How Can I Be More Charismatic?

Last month, I had the honor of appearing on an educational Chinese livestream, where I answered a series of questions about public speaking and charisma.

The host, Jennifer, mainly spoke in Mandarin. My good friend Max translated my answers for the audience and explained what the host was saying during her commentary segments. (I am not at all fluent - 抱歉.)

I’m pretty comfortable on camera. But this was a new experience for me — truly not knowing if my advice was reaching my audience at all because of the cultural and language barriers.

But my discomfort mirrors how many introverts feel. They have a wheelhouse of topics, people, and environments that help them feel at ease. When they sail into unfamiliar waters, they want to turn tail and flee.

That encounter got me thinking about how introverts and extroverts experience communication and charisma differently. Here are my thoughts.

1: Charisma is more about value than volume.

Some folks believe that charisma is your ability to command a room. It is not. Charisma is your ability to help your listeners feel like they’re gaining something by being in your presence - confidence, inspiration, belonging.

One of my all-time heroes, Jonas Neubauer, was the greatest Tetris player of all time. He owned every room he was in. He was not a traditional Greco-Roman orator. He did not sound like a politician. He did not look like an actor. But he added value to this community so deeply that he was beloved. That is charisma.

A lot of charisma is about comfort in your space — if someone is more focused on your nervousness than your message, they are unlikely to experience a value add. Small, repeatable speaking drills build that confidence.

If you’re unsure if your message is being conveyed clearly, assess yourself with Authentalk’s three Ss: style (your delivery), substance (your content), structure (how to order your content and allocate your time). Start with structure—it’s the easiest to learn and makes communication progress feel more predictable.

2: Asking great questions is just as valuable as giving great speeches.

Open-ended questions (“Do you have sleep problems? What are you doing about them now?”) are more valuable than leading questions (“Don’t you agree that sleeping pills would help?”) to get people to open up. As Harvard Business School reported (sorry, Kellogg!) these questions make the questioner more likely to be perceived as charismatic and improve life outcomes.

When asking questions, it’s important to loop (mirror the speaker’s keywords) so they feel heard and keep talking. Don’t do it robotically, of course, or you’ll end up like Lois on Malcolm in the Middle.

As you ask follow-ups, invite instead of interrogating. Tone matters a lot here. “Tell me more” can work for some audiences; “Why is that?” might hit better. “I’ve never heard of that before” is one of my go-tos.

3: Introverts can be more confident through micro-adjustments.

“Introvert” is often context/passion-dependent. Think about someone who’s real nerdy — they spend a lot of time with comic books, video games, and television shows. Maybe they don’t express themselves publicly because of fear of judgment. But we can all imagine them coming to life during Comic Con, where they’re surrounded by friendly acquaintances.

For example, me and my wife.

This is the point: for an introvert to become a more compelling public speaker, they should start with their special interests. When you begin with a safe topic or safe context, you can start to scale up your scope of comfort.

Think of it like this — can you talk about your favorite subject matter sitting down? What about standing up? Standing up and speaking from across the room? Standing up, speaking from across the room, and being louder? Standing up, speaking from across the room, being louder, and using gestures?

That’s the key. Ask, “Where am I already comfortable speaking?” Scale from there.

4: Extroverts can be more charismatic by helping other people feel special.

This involves two things — asking better questions (see above!) and being more concise. Extroverts can sometimes “take up all the air in the room.” You want to give others a chance to breathe.

Asking better questions involves showing enthusiasm for others’ interests: ask → listen → comment → follow up.

Being more concise in very short-form bursts means memorizing the HPSA (hook, problem, solution, audience) format.

• Hook - something that gets your audience’s attention (a rhetorical question, an anecdote, a short performance).

• Problem - the concern you want to address.

• Solution - how you would address it.

• Audience - make it about your listener — getting their thoughts.

For extroverts who find that they can’t stop talking when they start, try to communicate a single idea in HPSA format in two minutes. Next, one minute. Thirty seconds. If you can get the whole thought across in half a minute, that’s a tremendous value add.

In my most recent coaching sessions, I’ve seen this play out firsthand. People who once swore they were terrified of public speaking are now laughing through drills and raising their hands to go first.

Emerging leaders who finished my 30-day or 90-day programs keep showing up — not because they have to, but because they’ve discovered public speaking can actually be fun.

The magic of charisma comes when you stop fearing the spotlight and start enjoying the exchange.