Our Son, the Sloth (Seven Tips to Strengthen Your Relationships)
Jessica and I have a son.
He’s not our biological boy, but he’s as much our son as any flesh-and-blood child.
His name is Sloan. He’s a stuffed sloth.
Sloan’s pictured here, pretending to work (just like his dad!).
We adopted Sloan during a trip to Mammoth Lakes, California.
Since we found him in a gift shop, we’ve given him a voice (a babbling toddler), a personality (self-confident, impressionable, eager to please), a skill set (very good at household chores, not so much at singing), and a peer group (a whole squad of other imaginary friends).
They’re watching me graduate in 2021!
This might sound a bit childish. (It is.) But make-believe like this is one of the threads that bind our relationship and keep it fun. We’ve known each other since 2006 (more than half our lives) and we’ve been in a relationship since 2011.
Because I often get questions from mentees about perspective take on long-term relationships, I wrote a competitive 10-minute speech on how to keep the spark of friendship and companionship alive.
At the end of the speech, I reference a list of resources for couples to persist, support each others’ projects, and adopt others’ perspectives. That’s what this is.
I see this as particularly useful in an age where significantly fewer young people are dating than before and those who are increasingly pursuing LAT (living apart together) arrangements.
1. Reading Night
Read comic books/comic strips/webcomics together. Find something with easy-to-understand visuals and do voices for all the characters. Start with Cucumber Quest or Nimona (webcomics) and Calvin and Hobbes or Foxtrot (comic strips).
2. 36 Questions
The New York Times famously published 36 questions that lead to love. Early on in the relationship, ask some of them to each other. Every few months, try to answer them from your partner’s perspective. See how adept you are at practicing deep listening and empathy.
3. Childhood Show and Tell
Schedule an hour for you to bring in three items from your youth. Pictures are good. Physical items are better. Alternate sharing what the items are and what they meant to you. You can start with your recent youth (say, mid-teens) and work backwards or vice versa. This should be a recurring project.
4. The Annual Archive
Start a shared Google Doc or notebook. Every Sunday night, alternate writing exactly one paragraph: a memory, a made-up diary entry, a poem, a short story. At the end of a year, print and bind it.
5. One-Word Mission Dates
Each person writes a word—“Lantern,” “Swamp,” “Chalice”—and the other must plan a full date inspired by it, no clarifying questions allowed. Maybe "Lantern" becomes a stargazing picnic with fairy lights. Maybe "Swamp" means Shrek cosplay and pesto. Let it be nonsense. Let it be sincere.
6. Future Us Voicemails
Make a shared contact in your phone: “Future Us.” When something odd, beautiful, or difficult happens—record a quick voice memo. Once a month, listen together. Annotate your past. Learn your patterns.
7. Director’s Commentary Night
Choose an artifact from your early days: old emails, chaotic texts, a grocery list from year one. Read it out loud together with “director’s commentary”: what you remember feeling, what you’ve forgotten, what still makes you laugh. Archive it for future you.
You might call these rituals silly. But I’d rather use the word “playful.” They’ve helped us stay strong together, see each other more clearly, and build on a relationship that gets stronger every day.
What’s your Sloan?
What helps you keep love weird and warm, even on hard days?
Let me know.
This might not seem like it has anything to do with my usual posts, but if we can’t be our authentic selves with our significant others, it’s harder for us to show up authentically on the job or during public speaking performances.
